Saturday, 10 October 2015

Portstewart Beach & the Giant's Causeway

 Portstewart is a sea-side town located in county Derry/Londonderry in Northern Ireland. (If you're confused on the difference between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland, check out this article) It's the place where my grandmother hails from and grew up in. A couple of years ago, my family went to visit it. Above are some shots I got during my time there. Also pictured is the Giant's Causeway, Antrim.

Saturday, 3 October 2015

Friendship Thoughts

A lot has happened since then. It's funny to think back to uncertainty which dissolved into calm, and certainty which came hurtling back to say "I'm not so sure anymore." Sometimes, you lose friends, best friends. Friends whom you loved and then let go. We lied to ourselves back then, and we might still be lying now. I think though, that I understand it all a little better, the bit where you can't go from loving a person so deeply to just saying a humble hello in passing. You can't demote a person from something special to someone you can only bring yourself to exchange pleasantries with. The amount of history between you is not the problem, but rather that everything you held together has shattered and left you splintered and torn. The pieces you salvage aren't the right ones, they aren't the "hello" ones. You've been lost, lost at sea, repaired and yet one thought back to what went right and wrong has placed you there. You almost want to swim back to shore to find a working telephone and call them, just to see how they are, hello. But you don't want an answer. You want the call to slide straight into voicemail. You want to fix it all, but you can't, it might be fatal. To do so you may end up changing yourself, or worse, them. It's all just some misguided yearning. But you must wonder, do they still care? If you spoke would they want you back or hate you? You hope to cross paths. You have you end up having to speak, a life or death situation to bring you both back to dry land, but who knows whether that day will ever come?

Sunday, 4 January 2015

A Realisation

 I think that behind it all, it's something that I've always had. That little urge to dance and sing along, that want to say "I'm proud of my work", that secret competitiveness. But the thing is, that it's only now that I'm beginning to let little beams of light slip through, that I'm beginning to have something resembling confidence. No doubt I'm terrified. I still think my social skills are rather lacking and yet right now I need so deeply to let my words, my questions lead the way and while I may be perfectly eloquent in writing, the opposite is the case in speech and yet I'm dependent on these words. These words will break barriers. These push myself forward moments, these "I want to sing with you", these "I can't dance but I can sure try" mutterings which mean so much and so little are some sort of part of my character that deserve to be unlocked, that while in custody inhibit my happiness, my freedom. I want to do what I feel a pull in my heart to do.
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