Monday, 29 October 2018

the start of a journey

I think it's not uncommon for a member of the blogging community such as myself to want to be a writer. To have always had dreams of published books with my name on the front page. I've always been so scared of writer's block and have had months and months of my life without new poems or stories, or stuck slaving away on old work that I fear will never ever work.

Blogging is something I fall in and out of love with every month. I love that I have this platform to share my thoughts, words and photography. It's so cool that I can seriously post whatever I want, create a portfolio of me that in my real life I'm way too scared to show anyone. My real-life friends haven't read my poetry, don't know how much I like photography, don't know the side of me that you have come to know in some capacity. And that's where I fall out of love. I feel like I say too much, I'm too honest and I shouldn't let that happen. It's so easy to be vulnerable online, which is dangerous especially when people find it so easy to be mean back. And so when I fear what I might say next, I disappear for a bit, but I come back. I've never left for long.

And truly, I don't think it's appropriate to share all the highs and lows of my life with you. I enjoy so much hearing your responses and reading what you have to say on your blogs. It's a special thing we've got going. But all I want to say for now, is that I'm trying my best. I'm trying my best to overcome adversity and trying my best to be the person who will no longer be pushed back, and boy, is it hard. And the best way that I can deal with it, is to create something, I think.

About 3 years ago I started work on my first novel. It got to about 70,000 words and I was so proud of myself and I forced myself to tell a few friends and my family told their friends and I edited it and other people read parts of it and gave me advice. I worked so. hard. on it, and then when the pressure of it actually having to be good and to mean something hit me, I stopped. Like blogging, I come back to it periodically and it still means a lot to me, even if it bothers me and I'll presumably never be happy with it.

But I want to give my novel another shot. I've had feelings coursing through me, telling me to write, but all my new ideas are drawing up blanks. So my novel, code name: TTFE (if you can guess what that stands for you're probably a really cool wizard), will become my child again. And I'm saying this publicly because I don't want to give up on it. I want to work it into something I'm happy with, as best as I can be. And then I want to send it off to other people and see how they like it. Writing is scary, because it's so easy to be rejected. But I know I need to try.

Thank you all so much for listening to me and sticking by me. I'm sorry if this makes little sense! But I'm planning on posting updates about this blog and my novel and my life on instagram, so please follow me! I'd love to get even more connected with you all. It's: @annaszuhause

Anna x

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